How to Talk to Your Child About Admissions Disappointments

As public middle school decisions are released today, many will be celebrating their exciting next step along their educational journey. However, I’ve been thinking a lot about the disappointments that come with the New York City school admissions process. This is true for any age and any type of school. As parents, what we say to our children about any disappointing results matters. Whether your child had their heart set on attending school with their best friends, a school that specializes in arts, or simply the school that they’ve heard has the best reputation, finding out they didn’t get their top choice can be crushing. The weeks of waiting, careful ranking of choices, and buildup of expectations make the final decision feel deeply personal - which of course we know it is not. 

Here are some ways to support your child with empathy, honesty, and resilience, when the results are not what they (and maybe you) hoped for. 

Acknowledge the disappointment without minimizing it

You and your child are both allowed to feel sad, angry, or confused. Avoid rushing to silver linings right away. Instead reassure them by saying things like 

“I can see how upset you are. It’s okay to feel that way.”

“You worked hard and worked hard and it’s totally normal to be disappointed when things don’t work out how you’d hoped.”

This validates their feelings and opens the door for honest communication between you and your child. 

Normalize Rejection and Resilience

This might be your child’s first major experience with rejection. Frame it as a life lesson, not a definition of who they are. Remind your child that one school doesn’t define their future, but that who they are and what they do is more important than where they go to school. Let them know they are not alone! Plenty of students do not get their first choice every year. Helping your child see that this disappointment is one moment, not the moment, is a powerful way to reframe the experience. 

Shift Focus to What’s Next

Once your child has had some space to process, guide the conversation toward the positive possibilities of the school they were placed in. Find the upsides, like great new teachers, fun activities, for middle school students, maybe even their first locker! This not only helps teach your child to look for the positive in a stressful situation, but helps them regain a sense of agency and curiosity about the next chapter. 

Celebrate your Child - Not the Outcome

Remind your child how proud you are of them, regardless of the result. Focus on other success they’ve had - a soccer goal, a prize in art competition, making a new friend. Being a kid in today’s world is a unique experience and one that as adults we can never truly understand. Celebrating all of their successes whether big or small is worth it!

An admissions decision is just one step in a long educational journey. Results, especially in a complex system like New York City’s, can feel overwhelming and unfair to you as an adult and your child’s biggest champion. With your support your child can turn this into a moment of growth, self-discovery, and strength. 

If you’d like help understanding your child’s offer or exploring alternative options, BetterEd is here to support your family every step of the way.